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Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?" Lit...

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear ...

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't y...

When I was 12 or 13 my father had cable service added to the upstairs for myself and my siblings. The guy was able to install everything just fine, but when it came to hooking up the cable to the tv with a VCR, Nintendo, and Super Nintendo attached, the guy was clueless. He said he'd come back to it...

In the town where I live we've got this guy who is about three sandwiches short of a picnic. He drinks in the bar down the road and one night one of the new neighbors stopped in for a pint. Turns out he's a beekeeper and has two or three hives at the bottom of his garden. Somehow we all got to talki...

Once-upon-a-time, there was a worthless piece of land known as the Kingdom of Wartlestoff. In the native language, Wartlestoff meant small painful swelling under the armpit. The people called it Wartlestoff because they couldn't actually name it shithole which was their first suggestion. Wartlestoff...

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the ...

Last Boxing Day (that's the day after Xmas for those who don't have one) I was in a local bar with three of my friends. I don't smoke myself, but the others all did and one of them, Porky, showed us this bar game. You take a box of matches and pierce the top of it with one unlit match, so that this ...

"One day Ima go to No Fock, Virginia to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tell the waitress I wanna two piss toast. She branga me only onea piss, I tell her I wanna two piss, she say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no p...

Once-upon-a-time, there was a very big fish, named Bob. Bob was the largest fish in the pond, but he wanted to be even bigger. Day and night, he would obsess about it. One day, he was out catching flies for dinner. He managed to catch a really humungus fly that was about the size of a golf ball. Bef...

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